The Commuter (Electric Lit)

the worst part of being crazy is i never get to be right. bipolar is really only appropriate to describe regular mood shifts or the weather, never the person. disclosing my disorder turns me stupid & every stranger into a mental health professional; thanks, but i cannot yoga my way out of this, “drink more water” my way out of this.

Last week at our annual condo meeting I was informed if I keep playing loud music at night it will become a legal issue so I’m on my way to Mattress Emporium. The line at the Chipotle in midtown slinks out the door and forces me to weave through a tangle of noontime professionals. I overhear one woman with expensively highlighted blonde hair say to another with expensively highlighted brown hair, “I swear to God I have PTSD from that time they ran out of guac,” which makes me consider how if all the people with actual PTSD went to war against all the people misusing the term this blonde-haired woman and her ilk would lose and yet we, the victors, still wouldn’t be able to enjoy a mediocre burrito. Lord I miss enjoyment.

I moved the bookshelf from the radiator. I put my brown things in boxes. I threw away the cardboard. I scrubbed the stove. and dried it with a black towel. There is no more fray coming from under the area rug. Broke a glass while doing it. and swept the glass. and wiped the glass. I wiped the glass. And I looked for glass, stray in the break of the wood flooring. Moved the couch and tried to find the glass heating its way into a wedge.

I have been chosen for reality television. I will compete to marry George, a retired NFL lineman. My sisters shout that I’m crazy. But I would thrive as the wife of a retiree—no suspicious sexy secretaries, no more financial despair. My sisters insist that shortcuts are a figment, that the world belongs to those who wake each morning and perform honest work. They say that what matters in the end is one’s FICO Score. Babies on hips, they caution against the trappings of minor celebrity—namely, that it’s nothing like major celebrity. They say viewers will pray I do something pathetic.