Alice, Bobby, Christy, Dennis, and Eva…the first five of a proposed 26 children each named with a successive letter of the alphabet, so that when the birthing cycle was complete, there would be an A-to-Z compendium of kids. 

26 Kids

KECK: Your mind is weak.
LONG: I’m washed up.
KECK: You’re a quitter.
LONG: Always have been.
KECK: You’ve squandered your gifts.
LONG: A waste.
KECK: You’re an embarrassment to the dignity of the human spirit.


Revival

But the old people said, 
You can’t go to a place not real. 
You can’t go into that field 
because that field is only in your head.

She smoked her bong. She knew they were wrong. 
She walked the field of orchids.

Purple Orchids

The fairy godmother was pissed because she’d been assigned the role of kindly old maid who had to walk around in a pink tutu holding a wand and saving girls from the predatory men and women they were in love with. 

The FGM

Here’s what I’d like for Christmas,
The top three things on my wish list.
First I’d like a moocow.
They make me happy somehow.
They have big bashful eyes
And they seem a bit shy,
Which is how I’ve been described.


Dear Santa

When the youthful and hirsute President of ________ arrived, the prince attempted to fellate him in the foyer of the castle, to the amusement of onlookers. 

The Happy Prince

A subject is both subject and object.
An object is both object and subject.

Subject/Object Is-Ness

HAIR DRYER

My ex-girlfriend
never returned 
the Conair 1600
hair dryer
she borrowed
the day she
broke up with me.


Hair Dryer

BAD NEWS

Death is unpleasant,
like the evening news.

Tonight’s top
story: “You’re dead.
Details later.”


Bad News

Joe stroked his turtle.
His turtle mooed. It said
Yummy  yummy  yummy  i  got love
in my tummy.



Turdleman's Revenge

I was commissioned to sit inside this cellophane bag for six months and observe the tropical flora that’s blooming across the bay, but I’ve been in here 13 years now and I’m beginning to suspect that someone is playing fun with me.

Work

Tickets were expensive. $50,000 for a seat on the jet that flew from Boston through a hologram of the World Trade Center.

Tour Jets

The moose pondered briefly
and said 'Follow me hither.
Or should I say thither?
For I’ve never learned the difference
between hither and thither.’
‘Hither means here
and thither means there
but hither and thither
are neither here nor there.'

The Moose and the Goose

His father, he said, is descended from Robert E. Lee, and his mom, he says, is descended from Ulysses Grant, with the result that he is constantly at war with himself.

Owen Felts

He rolled back the flap of skin, in the same way one might open a tin of sardines. He sloshed his hands in the opening, then tugged on something that gave with a snap.

The Tournament

It was a limited conversation but one that I have cherished because I knew who was talking to me.

He undresses slowly in front of the window, as instructed. She’s in a second-floor bedroom in the house next to his, watching through binoculars.

Lady Neighbor

I will hire bodyguards to protect me at all times and I will wear a bulletproof suit. The protection will cost money but if it saves my life it will be worth it.

Domestic

A girl dressed in flowers came out of the woods. It was night and the stars were swirling.



The Madman and the Flower Girl

Bruce Ford meanwhile was pining for Joe-Dog.

michaelhaller

Selected work